My Pro Forma Life
By Rob Walker
Tuesday, April 2, 2002

Xerox has agreed to restate several years' worth of its financials and
pay a record-shattering $10 million penalty.  Meanwhile, the SEC now
seems likely to go after Qwest. Months after Enron, in other words,
accounting scandals flourish.  But while others may criticize, and
seek restrictions on, the clever ways that public companies have found
to polish up reality on a quarterly basis, I choose to embrace those
practices. Consider "Pro forma results." Pro forma literally means
"for the sake of form," but the Wall Street Journal sheds light on
what the phrase means to corporations in America when it explains that
"a growing number present their earnings on a 'pro forma' basis, 'as
if' certain expenses didn't exist." This is not a scandalous idea;
it's a delightful one.

On a pro forma basis, I'm having an outstanding year. In calendar 2002
I've gone to the gym on a regular basis and expect this trend to
continue and to have a material impact on my health going
forward. Year-to-date, my health has improved by a solid 15 percent on
an annualized basis.

These results do not reflect certain items.  Loss of good health and
potential mortality stemming from 62 consecutive quarters of
above-plan intake of assorted spirits, tobacco, and other substances
reliant on mouth-to-lung delivery systems, and miscellaneous off-book
chemical and pharmaceutical substances, are addressed in a one-time
write-down. Results also include the application of "good will"
regarding those days, and in some cases weeks, when actual gym
attendance was negatively impacted or curtailed by visits to the
racetrack, where I ate oysters and drank Budweiser. Finally, a recent
post-workout lunch of a 22-ounce, bone-in rib steak at Smith &
Wollensky and three shots of bourbon is treated here as a
non-recurring expense. I'll never do that again! I encourage you to
focus on these pro forma results as a truer portrait of the state of
my health than "traditional measures," which suggest that I have been
dead for at least a year.

In an unrelated one-time charge, pro forma results do not include a
restatement of costs associated with the acquisition during the last
calendar year of a "SlamMan" computerized boxing workout partner. My
revised forecast includes no expectation that previously anticipated
benefits to cardiovascular function or muscle tone will materialize in
the foreseeable future, apart from those that may result from
transporting SlamMan, ideally by aerial means, from my second-floor
office to the sidewalk. However, there is a current lack of visibility
regarding the timing of that event.

Next I'd like to address the "work" portion of my life. Again, results
are gangbusters, pro forma-wise, and are in line with recent
guidance. Basically, I've never been so productive, and all key
internal efficiency metrics are through the roof.

These work results include certain items not recognized by traditional
standards of accounting for what it is I do all day.  Hours and full
days previously recognized as losses due to apparently "wasted" time
have been recategorized.  In some cases (staring off into space,
quietly weeping with the office door closed), these activities now
count toward "research and development," and their cost will be
depreciated over a span of 79 years.  This adjustment recognizes a
shift in market conditions (and a recent rise in the number of years
that have elapsed since my birth) affecting the time horizon for an
anticipated "big success." The 79-year time frame assumes that I will
continue working, productively, until I am 112 years old. (See health
results above.)  I remain confident that the market is undervaluing my
"work" and that additional, carefully targeted R&D efforts (including
a "guerrilla" rebranding campaign conducted aggressively at parties,
bars, and other gathering points of key "influentials," such as
various editors who tend not to return my phone calls) over the course
of that revised time frame will stoke demand and help unlock this
hidden value.

The remaining "wasted time" losses have been recategorized as
unrealized, non-cash gains, associated with the anticipated
completion, at an undetermined time, of a comic novel on the theme of
procrastination, which certain indicators suggest should have massive
upside potential. Current regulations offer little guidance and give
much leeway in placing a value on contracts for books that have not
been written, pitched, or even mentioned to an agent. This is a relief
because I have a feeling that strict oversight might have discouraged
me.

That brings me to the final item on the agenda: my love life. I remain
in a long-term relationship with a significant other, and as in prior
quarters, my love grows and grows.

To address some concerns regarding transparency in this area, I wish
to disclose at this time that I have in recent years, as a hedge
against the volatile nature of love, entered into approximately 913
discrete partnerships with entities.  A number of these relationships
were formed "off-shore" in the Caribbean, where they are less taxing
to maintain. The details are complex (see footnotes), but each of my
"special purpose entities" (as I like to call them) is
distinct. Extensive measures have been taken to prevent their
recognition by my significant other and our pro forma relationship.

Some of these ventures may be categorized as high risk, and indeed I
am currently in the process of unwinding a number of them, as quickly
as I possibly can. If everything works out, the impact on affection
flow and the day-to-day operations of my love life (and indeed my
health) should be immaterial. Knock wood.

In summary, then, everything is great, and the future is full of
limitless possibilities. However, please note that some of the
statements made by me in this report are forward-looking in nature,
and actual results may differ materially from those projected in
forward-looking statements. On the other hand, these pro forma results
have been reviewed and certified by my longtime accountant, so there's
probably nothing to worry about.